Friday, April 24, 2015

throw off the bowlines.

I texted my best friend from high school and college days. The friend who knew me before kids, pre hormonal meltdowns and losing my mind moments. 

I wrote, "Remind me of who I was before I was a mom. I think I was fun and not so fearful. I don't know where that girl is anymore. I know some of my battle is just the reality of having five kids and a household to run and the responsibilities that come with that but at times I have become this fearful worry filled person I don't want to be."

She wrote back and reassured me that I was a lot of fun and adventurous and wild and crazy in the best possible way. She prayed that I could find more freedom in this season.

Sometimes you need weekends away to remember who you are without kids. I can get so bogged down with the everyday life that the idea of going away just becomes another thing on my to do list. I can become too serious and let the life get sucked right out of me. But when I get those moments or weekends away from the regular duties of motherhood I am reminded by just how very much I need them. 
This past weekend was just that.

Real conversations. Sharing hearts. Laughter and tears. Sun on our faces. Sitting on the beach for hours. Walks and bike rides on the boardwalk. Good food. 
Family that has become best friends.




"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do. Throw off the bowlines. Sail away from safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover"

~Mark Twain

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Savor.




This little girl is a gift. God saw it fit to give me this one at the end to help me slow down and enjoy life. She grabs hold of life and jumps in with both feet.


In the middle of a snow storm this girl dressed herself and snuck out of the house to go exploring. This is how Mark found her wearing her sisters coat and shoes loving every second of her freedom and very proud of her outfit of choice.

I love how she savors the small things in life. While walking the streets in Emerald Isle we came to a big pink beach house. She just stood there for a minute taking it all in. "Its so pretty" she said in a voice of awe. I turned my head and looked, really looked too. The way the sun hit the pink made it glow and the moment really did feel magical. Then she noticed that her flip flops were pink just like house and she just stood there looking down and then back up marveling at a house of pink.

She makes me stop and notice the small things I too often miss in the business of life.
While going out to eat she ordered a bowl of mac and cheese and when it came she could not stop exclaiming. "Dad smell this. Doesn't it smell good?" "Mom take a bite." "It is yummy in my tummy"
Her enthusiasm is contagious.



I can learn a lot from her about savoring the small things in life. The small things that make life beautiful like pink beach houses, bowls of mac and cheese, sisters clothes and fresh snowfalls.


"Savor. Such a simple word causes the heart to slow down and take delight in a moment. It provokes the soul to stop and breathe a little slower. It opens the eyes to see, truly see."
~Melissa Helser

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

the adventure of yes

I recently saw a pin on Pinterest that said,
"Life is too short to spend it at war with yourself"

We were in the middle of making a decision. And I was at war with myself. Fighting the voices in my head. 

I am all too well acquainted with this battle. I wrestle with expectations of what I feel like a good mother, daughter, wife (fill in the blank) should look like. Some of it is fear of what other people will think or what others have said to me. Some of the voices are fear and some are religion.  There are days I spend wrestling round and round with these voices. I am realizing a lot of the battle comes down to the fact that I care way too much about what other people think. Way too much. 

A friend of ours recently shared about his battle of the mind at our kitchen table where we sat eating bowls of ice cream. He shared how trying to keep everything together in his mind is like carrying a load of laundry in your arms without a basket. Your are trying to hold everything together but you keep being afraid you are going to drop something. There goes a sock, and some underwear. There goes your jeans and another sock. Not only is it hard to do, it is exhausting, so very exhausting to feel like you need to constantly be keep everything together and battling all the voices telling you who you should be. 

But when I let go of the pile of the laundry, and lift up my arms in surrender I can hear the voice of my Father, the voice of peace. And when I stop caring so much about what others think and listen to what He says, that is when I feel FREE.

One of the decisions I was wrestling with was whether or not to go on a week long trip to Emerald Isle, North Carolina. (Some of you might think it is absolutely ridiculous to even wrestle with something like that but then again why should it matter, right? :) See, I care way too much)  I was battling all sorts of voices in my head. There was a part of me when Mark first brought up the idea that said "YES! We could use a trip away to get perspective and vision and just time away as a family...". But the other voices said "NO!!  That's too long, too much money, too far away...just too much".
 So I was at war.

"The adventure of yes seemed more alive than the safety of no." ~John Ortberg

In the midst of our decision making I came across this quote. It hit me. I really want to say yes to adventure and yes to the things the Lord has for me. Because contrary to some of the voices I choose to sometimes listen to I know He really does have a good story for me.

Also in the midst of this wrestling match I had several conversations with my sister in law, Naomi,  who is getting ready to have her oldest son graduate from high school. And just like that his 18 years at home are almost over and he will soon be moving on. Naomi is constantly trumpeting the message to enjoy these years and seize the opportunities to make memories with your kids. These are the things you can't put a price tag on. These are the kind of trips you won't regret. Talking to her brought perspective and helped me untangle and get to my heart.

So I said Yes! We just came back from a week in Emerald Isle where we stayed in a little cottage like beach house. It has been six years since we moved away and coming back was in some ways like coming home. Stepping onto the island was like a huge exhale. We spent the week riding bikes, hiking, eating good food, playing in the sand, finding shells, writing, reading and just being together. It was a week of adventure. It was a week of long walks on the beach, sunrise mornings and watching the sun go down over the water. It was a week of just being family.

I am glad I said "yes".

















"Promise me you will not spend so much time treading water and trying to keep your head above the waves that you forget, truly forget how much you have always loved to swim."
~Tyler Knott Gregson


"The voice you listen to is the one you belong to."
~Jonathan David Helser

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

bunk beds




"If there was something to be enjoyed you always included us"
~source unknown

I love this quote and it descirbes Mark as a dad. He is really good at including the kids in projects and experiences. He is much better at this than me. I can learn a lot from watching him.

Last year at this time we took down the crib. A monumental moment after having a crib in our house for almost eleven years. Eden has since been sleeping in a little toddler bed. She recently started to outgrow that little bed so we have been looking into what to do next. Three twin beds do not fit into the small room the three girls share so bunk beds seemed to be the solution. We began to keep our eyes open for some secondhand ones.

We have great neighbors and friends who live right down the road. We were over at their house during the last snow storm and the husband Tom showed us the bunk beds he had recently built for his girls. He then mentioned he still had leftover lumber and would love to help us build some. What a gift! 

So Mark and the boys headed up to their house one Saturday morning and spent the day sawing, drilling, measuring and building. The boys responses at the end of the day "this was the best day ever!" They loved every minute. I loved that Tom and Mark spent the time teaching and inculding the boys in the proccess. I love that they are leanring men stuff and how to work with their hands.

Here are some pictures of their building day...

















But now I am six.



How can it be this beauty is six already?
This girl makes our life sweet with her smile, her raspy voice, her kindness and her sense of humor.
She wants to be a doctor or maybe a nurse or a dentist when she grows up. But she would also like to be a mommy. 
I hope she always keeps her dreams BIG.


For her birthday we did Hope's favorite foods all day long, eggs and bacon for breakfast, hot wings for lunch and pizza for dinner. 
We went to the indoor pool at the gym and had a little family swimming party. She loved it. 


Sarah and Moses both made power point presentations for Hope. Their kind words and encouragement to their little sister made me cry. It was one of those moments that you are reminded maybe they really do love one another!

We supriesd Hope with a  new bike! She will need to grow into it but she is excited to be six and learn to read and ride her bike without training wheels!

We love you Hopey girl.


The End

When I was One
I had just begun.

When I was Two
I was nearly new

When I was Three
I was hardly Me

When I was Four
I was not much more

When I was Five
I was just alive

But now I am Six, I'm as clever as clever
So I think I'll be six now for ever and ever.

~A.A. Milne

Friday, March 27, 2015

perspective.



This winter felt LONG.

At times it kind of felt like drudging through snow.
Some days it felt like the walls of our little farmhouse cottage were coming in on me.

Sometimes in the midst of the intensity of the seasons I am tempted to think if our circumstances were different I would be happier, a better mother, more patient, blah blah blah. Like in the heat of the summer I often think that central air would make me the most loving mother ever instead of hot, cranky and tired.  Or in the dead of winter if we just had a finished basement that the kids could run around in than surely it would not feel so crazy in our house. 

Recently while connecting with a fellow mom of five I was reminded that this is simply not truth. She was telling me how last winter they lived in a small house in the city with no backyard. This winter they live in a big old farmhouse twice the size with acres around and she still felt like the walls were coming in on her.


Perspective.







It's easy to think if I just had a bigger house, more money, a better something or other life would be easier but that isn't the case.

We have been dreaming for awhile of a place to call our own. Some days I love our current house we rent which we affectionately call the "Buckwalter Cottage" and other days I long for a bigger house and one that we own.  I can get focused on what our house doesn't have like a finished basement, a mudroom, a garage, or a laundry that isn't in a scary basement that I lose sight of its many good qualities. Recently I was looking at my pinterest board called "Dreaming of a place to call our own". I pinned houses that caught my eye. Most of them white farmhouses with wrap around porches. It dawned on me that I am living in my "dream house". Maybe not every detail is pinterest worthy but my viewpoint began to change and a thankful heart emerged. 

Perspective.

The last of the snow has finally melted and we can see grass again. There have been a couple warm days that have teased us with a hunger for spring. The kids are playing outside again, running in the yard and not the living room and the walls of the house and I have both breathed a deep breath.
Winter does not last forever. Spring will come.

Perspective.







        
There is beauty in every season.  Take a deep breath and enjoy the ride.

Perspective. 





You are doing better than you think. 

Perspective.